It has
been a month since our seventh child, Jude, nearly drowned. And God has been doing what He is in the
business of doing—He has been redeeming that horrible day. Somehow He does it—he takes ashes and turns
them into something beautiful to display His glory for people to get a glimpse
of Him and His loving, good, grace-filled character.
For the past two years, God has had me on a journey of
learning about grace-- specifically that my standing with God has not a thing
to do with my performance, but all to do with Jesus’ performance. And, since Jesus has “done” what He needed to
by dying in order to pay for MY sins, I have a position before God. Period.
End of story. God approving of me,
accepting me, or “liking” me has nothing to do with the things I do, the way my
day goes, or the sin I continue to fight or fall into. But, somehow, it has been a long process for
me to fully grasp that. And then, Jude
almost drowned.
It was a beautiful, sunny Friday. Other kids were back in school and my friends
joined me at our neighborhood pool for a day of swimming, a sort of end of summer,
kick off to our homeschool year. Jude
had been in the baby pool with two of my friends and I had been standing
between the baby pool and the big pool while talking with my friend so I could
keep eyes on both pools. (We are water
people. Our family lives at the pool, we
boat with friends, we play in the lake in our neighborhood. We always joke that I gave birth to fish—all
seven of them love the water.) The two
friends in the baby pool were leaving and we were transitioning into lunch and
over to the big pool. I walked over and
noticed Jude walking around the deep end of the pool and said to myself, “I
need to go get his floaties. Oh, yes,
they are over at the baby pool.” And
then, I forgot. I got side tracked. I still don’t know why. Another friend had walked in to pick up her
son and I had gone over to talk to my friend who had been there the whole day.
And that’s when I heard Yosif, our lifeguard, yelling in
his thick Bulgarian accent, “I have him, but I need help!” Someone made it over there first and I heard
Jude’s name and it’s all kind of a blur, but I saw Jude on his side, stomach
bloated, eyes open and staring, breathing, but just lying there on the verge of
unconsciousness.
A hundred adjectives could describe the hours that ensued
after that moment—the ambulance ride, the ER at Peyton Manning Children’s
Hospital with rushed x-rays, blood work, putting in the IV and a toddler who
wasn’t responding to anything—just staring catatonically, a doctor shaking his
head and saying, “It’s like he is alert, but no one is home,” being told we
were headed to the PICU and would have to just “wait and see.” But, also, looking up and constantly seeing a
wall of people who loved us and had rushed over to just be there, constantly
stopping and praying with people—knowing we had access to a God who loves us
and is powerful. The knowledge that
there was absolutely nothing I, myself could do in this situation, but the
beauty of knowing the God who does.
Experiencing “falling” on Jesus. Feeling
completely humbled and pleading for mercy, mercy, mercy. Hating being there, wanting
to turn back the clock just an hour, but at the same time liking being with
Jesus, because I knew He was there—I could feel Him. He was close. Being able to put everything you have read and
learned and known about Jesus into practice and confirming your faith is
real. Thinking, somehow, “This is hard
and while I don’t like it, I shouldn’t be afraid of other hard things, because
Jesus is carrying me. I know it. Don’t
be afraid of the hard.” Experiencing grace and love from a husband who had not
one word of condemnation or blame, but instead said his main prayer was not
that Jude was ok, but was that I would not blame myself.
Over the next four hours, we were not sure of the
complete outcome, but finally learned that Jude was in shock and around 5:30
that night he seemed to “snap out of it” and I knew in my mother’s heart that
he was completely ok. It was over.
I so wished church could be that day. All I wanted to worship with God’s people.
But then, at church on Sunday, my mind was half
there. I sat there thinking over and
over again, “How did I miss that? What
if he had been under the water 30 more seconds? How did I miss that?” And then, I clearly heard Jesus say to me, “But
I didn’t.” And I felt humbled and silenced
and comforted and loved.
Ever since it all happened, my mind quickly would flash
images of Jude on the side of the pool and him lying in the hospital bed. I
didn’t see Jude drowning or Yosif rescue him, but somehow I came up with what
that must have looked like as well and played that over and over again in my
mind- thinking how Jude must have felt under the water, desperate with no
ability to do anything about it-- hopeless. This was playing over and over again in my
head that day at church. And then,
again, the Lord said, “What happened at the pool is the gospel. I am the lifeguard for all sinners who want
to be rescued. Tell Yosif.” And so that
night, we had Yosif over and we shared the gospel with him. We had a fabulous time with him. It was healing, I think, for all of us. Afterwards, I said to Jack, “Being able to
tell Yosif about Jesus was worth it to go through this.” During our visit, Yosif
was able to share the details of what he saw and heard that day, that we had
not known yet. One thing he showed us
was how he saw Jude’s little hands reaching up and opening and closing like he
was trying to grab onto something.
These horrific images have turned into something
wonderful—a tangible, visual of the Gospel—the good news of Jesus. The Bible says I was drowning in my sin… on
my way down to something much worse than the bottom of the pool. And like Jude, who was reaching up for help
with his chubby little hands, that fall day in 1997 on a sidewalk at Miami
University I reached up and said, “Help. I am a sinner. I need you, Jesus, to pay for my sins, even though you didn’t do
any of them, because there is nothing I can do to pay for them. I have lived apart from You, separated from You
by my sin and I am ready for a new life with You.” And like Yosif, who leaped
out of his chair, rushed through the deep water to scoop up Jude and save him,
Jesus was right there, ready to rescue me.
And He did. Jude nor I could do
anything…. We had no power to save ourselves from our perilous situation. We
both needed a rescuer. He did all the
work. We were saved by grace. And now, it is clear.
The pressure of my performance is off and the worship of
my Savior is on. I am thankful on so
many levels. There were numerous gifts
to be had in this terrible situation. I
pray that I remember this so that I do not fear the hard in the future.
Just 3 days ago, our friends tragically lost their son
after he was hit by a car when going to get the mail—and I am fighting to give
into fear of the hard. But we have the
same God. That’s what I am clinging
to. I experienced enough grace and
comfort from God for my moment of need, and His supply is unending and
unfathomable. They have a much greater
need, and He will pour out much greater grace and comfort. He will carry them through this. He will be
close. And somehow, I don’t know when or how, He will redeem this terrible
situation so His people and others can see more of Him and experience more of
Him. That is a gift. And that is our Great
Redeemer.
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified
Is. 61:3
And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 4 But God,
being rich in mercy,because of the great love with which he loved
us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us
alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— 6 and raised us up with him and seated
us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches
of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through
faith. And this is not your own doing; it is
the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that
no one may boast. 10 For we are his workmanship, created
in Christ Jesus for good works, which
God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:1, 4-10
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