To the Women Who Would Major in "Marriage & Motherhood"

I was ranked twelfth in my class in high school when I graduated and was honored at a special banquet that year. Throughout my school years I was an academic achiever, always working hard and posting high grades. As I set off for college everyone expected great things from me (or so it seemed from my perspective), and I did too. Would I be a genetic counselor? Would I pursue medicine? Was it journalism or graphic design? Would I major in dance? But when it was time to declare my first semester major, I was completely confounded. I ultimately landed on “undecided” as my major. I switched schools after one semester and then haphazardly declared graphic design as my course of study. That clearly was not my calling and so, the following semester, I just as unthoughtfully chose journalism education. It was just before this semester that I had met and started dating a charming, joyful young man named Jack. Being fully honest with myself, I knew what I really wanted to be was a wife and a mom, and college did not (and does not) offer such a major. And so, with three semesters under my belt, I left college, got a job through a temp agency, and was married that summer.

Looking back, I am thankful for the floundering. Had I been nose down heading toward a career, perhaps I would have missed the most profound opportunity right in front of me: marriage and motherhood. The problem is, while aiming towards marriage and motherhood as one’s top priority used to be quite normal a couple of generations ago, this is no longer the case. And so, women (and men) who hold this view and have this desire can feel quite alone and wonder if perhaps something is wrong with them, as if they are just settling. With social media posts boasting great accomplishments in work and travel, it can make us believe we are missing out and more importantly, missing the boat.

But if I could gather the young women and men who want to walk the seemingly dull and insignificant road of family first, I would boldly whisper great encouragement to them and tell them to move full steam ahead. Give it all you have. Put your time, energy, and money into marriage and family. While we should never idolize these things (put them above God, or sin to get them, or sin if we don’t get them), I believe many are missing out on a different kind of rich life, because of the swing and sway of our society and culture to make career, travel, and financial success of utmost importance.

While my education seemingly ended back in December of 1998, I can tell you I have been educated in many, many meaningful ways through marriage and parenting and all along the way. I tell others that God knew I was a tough case and so He sent me seven rambunctious and outgoing kids and led me to stay at home full time (and homeschool them) in order to teach me selflessness and patience, among a myriad of other things. I am not the same as I was prior to marriage and kids and I am forever grateful to have been schooled in this way. I have grown in knowledge, curiosity, and wonder simply by homeschooling my kids. The amount of subjects and topics I have been able to cover in the last two decades is astounding. And I’ve gotten to do this with my kids, which is even sweeter. Homeschooling has been quite the avenue for me to connect with my kids (another blog post on that later). In addition to growing in character and knowledge, I have grown in skill. Managing my family with the abundance of needs, requests, scheduling, and budgeting over the last quarter of a century, I have been told by others and believe myself that I have built some serious project management, business, and customer service skills. Maybe one day I will utilize those in the marketplace, but how does one even start to convey this or quantify these skills on a resume? The thought of it makes me chuckle.

I was sitting by a pool in Tennessee a couple of years ago musing over these same ideas and a high-level business executive looked me straight in the eye and told me that she believes the stay-at-home mom is the most untapped wealth of skill and talent. She says her best hires have been women who stayed at home to raise their kids and then moved into the marketplace. Interesting.

Along these same lines, I ran into an old acquaintance a few years ago while I was working a one-day event in downtown Indianapolis where hundreds of businesswomen gather each year. I was surprised to see her name on the attendee list and especially surprised at the table she was assigned to that was full of high-level executives. When she approached the information table where I was working, I asked her why she was at this conference. Her response has stuck with me and left me pondering (and feeling validated) ever since. She said, “Andi, my friend worked for this company (a large, very well-known corporation in Indy) and told me I should apply.” She had stayed at home to raise her kids and now three were in college, with more headed that way, so bills were piling up. She went on to say, “I started at an entry level position. And then they just kept promoting me. I am still shocked at where I am at.” It turns out, my friend has some remarkable project management skills, and this company quickly recognized it, as she was now quite near the top.

So, what if women were not afraid of jeopardizing a career and no longer felt the need to postpone marriage and/or childrearing but instead could see that a career in marriage and motherhood can actually give way to a career in the marketplace further down the road as well. Instead of attempting a career and family simultaneously, the approach could be consecutively. Women would feel less torn and less stretched thin: raise a family first with all that you have and then pursue a career next if wanted. After all, how many 18 year olds truly know what they are good at and passionate about enough to make an educated decision on which career path to choose? How many people major in something, only to learn once they are in the workforce that they loathe that career? How many times have I heard someone explain that they have never used their degree, but ended up in a completely different job field? I can tell you that with the experience and growth I now have under my belt, I believe I could absolutely declare a major and move forward with a career in which I believe I am made to do. I can also discern if what I would like to do would actually require a degree, or maybe there is a more time and cost-effective path forward. I also have perspective on what a career in a certain field realistically looks like from day to day and can evaluate if it fits my priorities. How many kids enter into a field with no concept of what the demands of that career would look like on a weekly basis and if it would be a healthy fit for their life choices (especially if they are wanting a family)? And now I absolutely have some things I am passionate about that would make it well worth my time and money to invest learning more about and then sharing that with others as a career.

But as for the idea of a career as a wife and mom first, I often am asked how we approached and still approach marriage, home, kids, and family, and the more I reflect, the words “all in” come to mind. I see women trying to manage it all—a career, home, marriage, and kids and I just don’t know how they are doing it. I have taken some small, very part-time jobs in recent years and I can say with confidence (because I have experienced what “all in” looks like at home), that our family suffers when I am not “all in” at home.

I also believe more women would enjoy motherhood on a different level and marriages would be stronger if they had more margin. Taking care of a child’s needs (physical, spiritual, and emotional) can be first rate as part of your “job” at home. With more margin, more effort could be made to make home a haven and to create spaces and times for family unity and bonding. With more margin, women have more capacity to prioritize their marriages. Call me old fashioned, but I am thankful I had women speaking into my life that taught me to put God first, my husband second, and my children third. I listened to these women explain what this looks like on a day-to-day basis (future blog post on this to come). I watched these women and saw this model work. I can attest it does. Our relationship with God directly impacts our relationship with our spouse. Our relationship with our spouse directly impacts our parenting and our relationships with our kids. And so the health of these relationships trickle down and affects the whole picture.

Am I saying all women should stay at home or that no woman should go to college or pursue a career? Absolutely not. Like many things, this is not a one size fits all approach to life. What I am saying is that I believe there are many women who deeply desire being married and having children and giving their all to this, and yet they lack the encouragement to do so. They lack examples, because not many are walking this road anymore. They lack the validation of knowing that this is just as high of a calling as any other career one could choose, because society at large no longer holds this view.

But, if the true value of the career of “Marriage and Motherhood” was advertised and uplifted, I wonder how many women would realize that this is really what they want and would feel empowered and free to aim at this? If there were more voices proclaiming the importance of these roles and if there was more understanding of the profound impact that majoring in marriage and motherhood can have, how many women, men, families, and communities would benefit? If this is you, I pray that you will choose to walk this blessed, challenging, but oh so valuable road with absolute confidence. You won’t find this major at any college. You won’t receive a degree or any kind of certification. And you definitely won’t get a paycheck. But I will tell you, the benefits and rewards will be like no other. You alone are the wife of your husband and you specifically are the mother of your children. You hold a significant, one of a kind, irreplaceable role and this should be celebrated and recognized as one of the most reputable career choices one can make.